Post by Dragon on May 7, 2010 19:37:38 GMT -5
[glow=greem,2,300]
[/glow]
Goldenflame:
Wind whistled into the cavity between nostrils and eyes, specialized for detected scent although not nearly as powerful as that belong to the canines. Jaws parted to bring the particles of scent deeper, and the tantalizingly warm taste of sweet rabbit flooded her mouth. Stretching up to her full height, amber-flecked green eyes snapped open, the hunger and excitement of the hunt dancing like twin golden flamed deep within the emerald depths. Shaking her ragged, scar-marked pelt out in a rippling movement that began at her shoulders and continued to her haunches, the golden-furred deputy swept her ears and whiskers forward, scanning the moors for the source of the scent that she knew so well. Breaking into an easy, fluid trot, Goldenflame flowed through the sea of golden grass as if she were swimming, relishing the brush of each blade against her shaggy pelt, the feel of the peaty soil pushing up between her toes as comforting as the pelt of a close friend or family. When she reached the crest of the slope, the WindClan she-cat sank her ivory claws deep into the soil and cast her keen gaze across the swaying ocean of grass, searching for the tell-tale rustle or the bump on the horizon that betrayed the presence of her Clan’s favorite food.
Despite the soft breeze blowing into her face and rustling her pelt, Goldenflame was unprepared for the burst of movement that exploded beside her face, a brown blur of fur that exploded into motion away for the momentarily-stunned she-cat. Spitting, the deputy growled and then took off, her paws propelling her into full speed in two strides, white-tipped tail streaming through the air behind her. The long strides that lent her Clan their name sent her barreling through the forest of brush that whipped her face and raked her pelt like grasping claws, desperate to slow her down. However, this was not any cat, and it was one that was certainly not deterred by a few branches; Goldenflame sped on, her claws gripping the earth to speed her closer to the juicy piece of meat with legs that was so skillfully evading her with nimble turns and unpredictable bursts of speed.
But alas, endurance built by moons of running these same moors began to tell, and the gap between huntress and hunted began to narrow ever-so-slightly. When at last the deputy's muscles began to burn with the acids produced by her exertion, the fluffy white tail bobbed within jumping distance, taunting her with its proximity and the promise of food. With a fierce caterwaul, Goldenflame pushed out her hind legs in a mighty heave that sent her soaring through the air, weightless for a moment, until reality and gravity took their hold once more. Claws unsheathing midair, the golden-furred deputy felt claw-tips pierce skin, and the toe-muscles contracted instinctively, digging her unique, grappling-hook shaped claws deep into flesh and dragging the poor prey beneath its golden-pelted doom.
Snapping teeth-lined jaws shut around the slender neck of the rabbit beneath her, Goldenflame let out a grunt of satisfaction as she felt a subtle snap and her prey ceased struggling, the occasional post-mortem nerve firing causing a twitch in the legs. When at last all was still on the moors once more save for the settling dust clouds, the slowly drifting clouds, and the perpetual sway of the blades of golden-green grass, the deputy dropped her prize and scraped a few pawfuls of dirt atop the limp body, masking the scent from potential thieves. Blinking her eyes, Goldenflame realized how drowsy she truly was, and after a moment decided she would turn in soon; the golden she-cat only hoped she could catch at least one more piece of prey before her return. As it so often does, luck in turn decided to smile upon the she-cat, and a plump oriole fluttered to earth not four fox-lengths away, its striking plumage of scarlet and black glistening in the late-afternoon sun. Falling smoothly into a crouch that spread her weight evenly atop all four legs and masked her silhouette beneath the surrounding grass, emerald eyes fixed intently upon the stunningly-feathered prey that pecked unknowingly at seeds dropped by the husks of grass, already gone to seed in this oddly warm season.
Delicate white-tipped paws barely seeming to brush the earth as she glided forward, Goldenflame controlled her muscles with surprising ease, and although the sinewy legs trembled when she paused with the effort of remaining still, not toe protruded out of place to betray her presence, marking the memory of hunting in the forests of ThunderClan, so many moons ago. When the oriole was close enough that the gleam of beady black eyes could be easily detected, Goldenflame broke into a sprint once again, closing the gap in an instant that sent the bird screaming skyward; however, this was no endgame for the nimble she-cat.
With an instantaneous pump of her powerful hind-legs, the deputy was propelled into the air, her claws flicking out mid-leap to snag the tail-feathers of her quarry. As she fell back to earth, Goldenflame carefully placed her paws atop the limp prey, lunged forward, and dealt a quick dispatching bite to the back of the neck. Picking up the nourishment, the golden-furred deputy sent a quick prayer to StarClan and headed back to Camp, her delicate white paws carrying her close to where she had stored the plump rabbit earlier. Carefully grasping both pieces of prey in her strong jaws, Goldenflame returned to camp at last as the sky was dyed red-gold with the light of the dying sun and the seas of golden wheat-grass cast deep shadows across the land.
Critique: A few run on sentences but over all very good and very descriptive. It really captures me when I read it. Easily a 95%
Toucanfeather:
The gnarled branches of trees convoluted their wavering arms to beget an arc, adorned with several crevices and chasms. Pilasters of light seeped through each breach, irradiating the focused facade of a feline- Toucanfeather. The hyms of woodland creatures, mingled in a crescendo of tunes, slipped into her lynx-resembled ears, soothing her tense demeanor. With a blink of her pale canary eyes, the sounds allayed. Now, all was quiet- in her mind. She was alone, in her revere of serenity. But, all to soon, she was hindered by the rustle of paws; tiny paws, and the cogent scent of woodland mouse. Bingo! A rivulet of drool seemingly dribbled from the side of her pursed lips. Her body-weight fluctuated to her haunches, which flourished hungrily.
The temporary deputy's tongue revolved around her lips. Although the animal was nor in sight, or particularly close earshot, she could smell it. It was about a few fox lengths away, foraging for food near the base of an elm tree. Her paws began to drift her forwards. Toucanfeather lifted her tail from the ground, a few moments after realizing it had been lingering behind her, so it was kinked just diagonal from her haunches. And, within a few quiet pawsteps, the morcel was in sight. Her prediction had been right, for it was indeed looking for nuts.
The black she-cat grinned defiantly and bunched up her sinewy muscles. Boing! She glissaded through the afternoon air, and with a sickening crunch, her paws slammed on the mouse. She ducked her head and picked it up in her jaws, its musty brown fur brushing the vegetation. A thanks to StarClan was in order. Toucanfeather sauntered gallantly to a small patch of lush green grass and bowed her head, closing her eyes. Dear StarClan, bless this food you've given us to the nourishemtns of our body. She finished her prayer, thus sliding back to her erect posture. With a triumphant grin, she descended back off to camp, nothing left behind but the chirping of a cricket, and the trail of dust given off from her paws pulsating the ground of ThunderClan territory.
Critique: Quiet a few spelling errors, but nice use of vocabulary. Especially crescendo, gotta love music! I'd try using starting my paragraphs with different words other than the. Very well done. 94%
Featherstep:
The light cream RiverClan she-cat crept to the edge of the river. She watched the stream gently ripple as she moved her shadow away from where she was perched. Unblinking hazel eyes watched the shadows underneath the river's surface. She raised her paw delicately. Waiting for the right moment, she flashed her paw into the water, splashing water droplets over her pelt. The second after she threw her paw in, she drew her unsheathed paw out. A silver fish dangled on the end. It flailed around, trying to escape her claw's hook. Featherstep through it to the ground, stunning it for just a moment. She turned and bent down quickly. The 11 moon old Turkish Van latched her teeth around the flailing fish and dug in deep to it. It slowly stopped moving. She smiled as she saw it was dead, then looked up at the sky. She silently thanked StarClan for its life and picked it up in her jaws. The petite RiverClan warrior dug a tiny hole and buried the fish for later.
Critique: Simple and quick, very good and perfect for everyday roleplaying. Good notice of the breed, and good RiverClan behavior. 85%
Jetstream:
The lengthy gray tabby tom let his paws slide himself forwards, and into the WindClan territory. His ribcage ached from where his mentor Goldenflame, had hit it during battle training. But he was detirmined not to let the bruises drag him down. Besides, he was detirmined to use the move his mentor had taught him today to hunt. The tom grinned slyly, the upturned corners of his mouth pointing themselves into dints as he pulled his forlegs halfway under the curve of his chest. His electric blue eyes where like stainless steel, though they had a swirl to them that made them swish like the water against an unchurned riverbank. Riotpaw's translucent whiskers twitched through the fogged air in an almost furious frenzy, his nose wrinkled in response. Was there any good prey hiding beneath the fronds? Or where the rabbits all in their burrows? He decided not to think about what if, and concentrate on what was now.
The apprentice saw the burrow lessin against it's hold as the narrowed ends of a rabbit's soft ears came way from it's hiding place. The gray tabby kept his paws light against the soft ground, remembering what Goldenflame had taught him. Rabbits where hard to trick, keep you'r paws light on the ground. Doing so, Riotpaw distributed his weight evenly on all fours. He chewed nurvously on his bottom lip. This would probably be his first catch. Kinda stupid to be an apprentice before having a first catch... He told himself, a scowl pressing his lips. As the rabbit poked its nose out of the hole, followed by a head, the offspring of Demise crouched patiently, tail kept thin against the earth as he waited. After what seemed like moons of waiting, the charcoal colored source of meat, had finally risen from it's hiding spot, and wandered a few paces off. Keeping himself low, the tom quickly, yet stealtily staggered after it. His tail wavered in the air, and his ears pinned against his hard head. The rabbit had paused, and he did as well. Had the hare spotted him? Then, after a ever lasting pause, he had to stifle a sigh of releif when the rabbit continued on. Riotpaw grinned to himself, and stalked after it, his paws light as feathers.
After this technique lasted so long, he felt his limbs weighing down by exhaustion. He then used the powerful muscles in his hindlegs to kick him out, while his forepaws extended their claws. The rabbit became suddenly aware of the apprentice, but it was too late. Riotpaw's claws punctered withen the rabbit's spine, and he began to drag it down to the ground. The animal cryed out in pain, but the torture was not over. The gray tomcat tore his claws along the length of it's spine, up the back of it's shoulders, and into it's throat. Using one paw to hold the hare down, his claws ripped across it's jugular, insuring a painful, and bloody death.
Critique: Oooh, gory death! Spelling needs a bit of work, I enjoyed how he thought of his previous training, being an apprentice. Well written, pretty good. 88%
Raspberrynose:
It was finally her turn. With a cocky grin that spread slowly across her clean white muzzle, she stepped forward, tail twitching confidently from side to side in a slow sweeping motion. From her appearance it seemed that she was confident for the win, and honor that came with it, and that she was better than anybody else participating in this hunting competition, for, after all, hunting was her strong point, not that many cats here knew that, except maybe Featherstep. She had taught the she-cat almost everything that she knew, but like all teachers, this she-cat had kept a few tricks to herself. However on the inside, nervousness began to shimmer, threatening to boil over like a fresh wound right before the blood begins to pour. She kept her paw steps steady and slow as she padded to the river’s edge, it seemed to dance, twisting and twirling down its own familiar path, it seemed to always stay the same but fresh, new water was constantly pouring down and through it. Peering into its watery depths, so familiar to her that she could almost feel the flicker of exhilaration as she fished out her meal, she let her keen pale sage green gaze scan the area within her reach and a bit beyond, just incase any fish made its foolish way down the path to its grave. Inside some lucky cat’s belly. The setting sun reflected off the water shimmering brilliantly but also messing up her vision, Foxdung, she’d have to do this the lazy way, and she so wanted to show off her fishing skills!
a quiet sigh she moved quickly below a tree so the bright reflections didn’t blind her. Her always clean white coat was consumed by shadow, less fish swam in places like this, where the sun never quite reached, but it was enough to, hopefully, prove her own self to the other watching cats, cats from other clans! She needed to prove, that even in these dark times of the forest, that herself, as well as any RiverClan warrior, was strong. Settling into the classic position, sitting leaning slightly forward over the water so that she could see more clearly into the depths, more-so than she would usually because her own shadow was swallowed up by the tree’s, she stretched out a paw and unsheathed her claws. Her gaze never left the water’s surface, and she tried heard not to blink. Just that split second of distraction, could mess up her chances to catch the right kind of fish. Ahh…There was a perfect one! It swam slowly, unaware of its own impending doom. She waited, not moving a whisker, even as a dragonfly landed on her ear, tickling as it landed on a small v-shaped scar, an older wound that tingled whenever it was touched. The fish finally made its way into her range, smiling again the she-cat, who was Raspberrynose, of RiverClan, after all who else would be hunting fish?
With a small splash that made little noise, Raspberrynose had perfected this move as to not scare away the fish last second, and she hooked her claws into the scaly side and flung the fish on the ground beside her, with a small crack the fish’s spine snapped, killing it instantly. It was a good sized fish, about five paw lengths from tail fin to the other side. Certainly nothing remarkable compared to some other catches, but enough to impress any cat who despised water. She proudly picked up her catch and padded back to the other’s, eyes shining with triumph
Critique: I liked the personality in it, just always capitalize the first letter in a sentence! -spazz- It was only on one sentence, but watch for it. Especially for someone using word. I know how to tell. 87%
Shizophenric:
Schizophrenic trotted lightly into the clearing, a black hat with electric blue and green stars littering it like a sky at night was in her jaws. Throwing the hat into the air, it landed perfectly on her head and fell over her right eye, covering the overly dilated eye. Taking a seat next to Lynxfang, she watched the WindClan cat with amusement and surprise. The golden furred she was such a brilliant hunter! It was almost like she had literally flown and tackled the rabbit! The loner watched Toucanfeather and the others go, yawning quietly. Goldenflame had kept her attention the best. Now it was her turn. This would be...fun. Gliding off towards the forest, the apprentice aged she-cat lifted her head and scented the air carefully. Rabbit, vole, starling, and mouse touched her scent glands and she immediately stalked quietly and carefully towards the mouse. Her electric green gaze flickered to the area ahead of her and the ground beneath her, careful to move around or step over any branches, sticks, leaves, or anything that would give her away as she slipped into the hunter's crouch. The wind whistled quietly, rustling the leaves on bushes and trees, picking up the leaves from the ground and swirling them in the air before dropping them down to the ground once again. Before she got five fox-lengths away from the mouse, she checked the air, going around the mouse to where she was down-wind. Once she was hidden behind some grass, she stared anxiously at the mouse as it nibbled on a seed, narrowing her eyes. Unsheathing her claws, she worked them quietly into the soft earth, waiting for the perfect moment to spring. Then, suddenly, as if she had been suddenly frightened, she sprang forwards, grinning when the mouse squeaked and darted off. The calico was almost faster than the mouse because as she gave chase, she soon leaped over the mouse and waited for it to dart under her open paws where she pinned it with her claws and gave it a quick bite to the neck. Scratching earth over her prey, she tasted the air again, purring quietly at the sweet-scents of the forest. A frown crept onto her muzzle as squirrel crept into her scent-glands. It was close, very, very close. Why let prey go to waste when it was within hunting distance? Shrugging, she slid into a hunting crouch, gliding lithely over the newly growing grass. Now that she was in a more grassy area, she wasn't all that concerned with stepping on leaves, and she really didn't have to be because earlier's wind had blown most of them away. Once she had found the squirrel, she leaped at it, skidding and rolling in the grass as it dodged her and leaped up a tree. Schizophrenic hissed quietly beneath her breath with anger and then she scrambled to her paws. That squirrel was not getting away! It couldn't! And it surely wouldn't! Not when she was hunting it! Growling lowly, the four colored she crouched by the tree {Stupid rhyming XD} and dug her claws into the bottom. She pulled forwards once, one.... Again. Two... And then a third time. Three! Bunching her powerful muscles, the she-cat did a sling-shot-like motion and glided up the tree as if it were the ground, her claws digging into the bark as she went after the squirrel. The tree had easy-to-grip bark, so she could tell it was an oak tree. That and it smelled like one. Snapping her fangs down into the squirrel's tail, she allowed herself to slide back down the tree trunk and land lightly on the ground, sinking her claws into the squirrel's neck and killing it. Grabbing it's tail, she sprinted back to where she had buried her mouse and unburied it, carefully grabbing it and the squirrel by the tail before bounding quickly back to the clearing.
Critique: Ah, I like writing like this. Not too many big words but great grammar and it gets the job done. Lengthy as well, and the commentary on the other cats. 90%
3rd Place: Shizophrenic
2nd Place: Toucanfeather
1ST PLACE: GOLDENFLAME
Hunting Competition
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Goldenflame:
Wind whistled into the cavity between nostrils and eyes, specialized for detected scent although not nearly as powerful as that belong to the canines. Jaws parted to bring the particles of scent deeper, and the tantalizingly warm taste of sweet rabbit flooded her mouth. Stretching up to her full height, amber-flecked green eyes snapped open, the hunger and excitement of the hunt dancing like twin golden flamed deep within the emerald depths. Shaking her ragged, scar-marked pelt out in a rippling movement that began at her shoulders and continued to her haunches, the golden-furred deputy swept her ears and whiskers forward, scanning the moors for the source of the scent that she knew so well. Breaking into an easy, fluid trot, Goldenflame flowed through the sea of golden grass as if she were swimming, relishing the brush of each blade against her shaggy pelt, the feel of the peaty soil pushing up between her toes as comforting as the pelt of a close friend or family. When she reached the crest of the slope, the WindClan she-cat sank her ivory claws deep into the soil and cast her keen gaze across the swaying ocean of grass, searching for the tell-tale rustle or the bump on the horizon that betrayed the presence of her Clan’s favorite food.
Despite the soft breeze blowing into her face and rustling her pelt, Goldenflame was unprepared for the burst of movement that exploded beside her face, a brown blur of fur that exploded into motion away for the momentarily-stunned she-cat. Spitting, the deputy growled and then took off, her paws propelling her into full speed in two strides, white-tipped tail streaming through the air behind her. The long strides that lent her Clan their name sent her barreling through the forest of brush that whipped her face and raked her pelt like grasping claws, desperate to slow her down. However, this was not any cat, and it was one that was certainly not deterred by a few branches; Goldenflame sped on, her claws gripping the earth to speed her closer to the juicy piece of meat with legs that was so skillfully evading her with nimble turns and unpredictable bursts of speed.
But alas, endurance built by moons of running these same moors began to tell, and the gap between huntress and hunted began to narrow ever-so-slightly. When at last the deputy's muscles began to burn with the acids produced by her exertion, the fluffy white tail bobbed within jumping distance, taunting her with its proximity and the promise of food. With a fierce caterwaul, Goldenflame pushed out her hind legs in a mighty heave that sent her soaring through the air, weightless for a moment, until reality and gravity took their hold once more. Claws unsheathing midair, the golden-furred deputy felt claw-tips pierce skin, and the toe-muscles contracted instinctively, digging her unique, grappling-hook shaped claws deep into flesh and dragging the poor prey beneath its golden-pelted doom.
Snapping teeth-lined jaws shut around the slender neck of the rabbit beneath her, Goldenflame let out a grunt of satisfaction as she felt a subtle snap and her prey ceased struggling, the occasional post-mortem nerve firing causing a twitch in the legs. When at last all was still on the moors once more save for the settling dust clouds, the slowly drifting clouds, and the perpetual sway of the blades of golden-green grass, the deputy dropped her prize and scraped a few pawfuls of dirt atop the limp body, masking the scent from potential thieves. Blinking her eyes, Goldenflame realized how drowsy she truly was, and after a moment decided she would turn in soon; the golden she-cat only hoped she could catch at least one more piece of prey before her return. As it so often does, luck in turn decided to smile upon the she-cat, and a plump oriole fluttered to earth not four fox-lengths away, its striking plumage of scarlet and black glistening in the late-afternoon sun. Falling smoothly into a crouch that spread her weight evenly atop all four legs and masked her silhouette beneath the surrounding grass, emerald eyes fixed intently upon the stunningly-feathered prey that pecked unknowingly at seeds dropped by the husks of grass, already gone to seed in this oddly warm season.
Delicate white-tipped paws barely seeming to brush the earth as she glided forward, Goldenflame controlled her muscles with surprising ease, and although the sinewy legs trembled when she paused with the effort of remaining still, not toe protruded out of place to betray her presence, marking the memory of hunting in the forests of ThunderClan, so many moons ago. When the oriole was close enough that the gleam of beady black eyes could be easily detected, Goldenflame broke into a sprint once again, closing the gap in an instant that sent the bird screaming skyward; however, this was no endgame for the nimble she-cat.
With an instantaneous pump of her powerful hind-legs, the deputy was propelled into the air, her claws flicking out mid-leap to snag the tail-feathers of her quarry. As she fell back to earth, Goldenflame carefully placed her paws atop the limp prey, lunged forward, and dealt a quick dispatching bite to the back of the neck. Picking up the nourishment, the golden-furred deputy sent a quick prayer to StarClan and headed back to Camp, her delicate white paws carrying her close to where she had stored the plump rabbit earlier. Carefully grasping both pieces of prey in her strong jaws, Goldenflame returned to camp at last as the sky was dyed red-gold with the light of the dying sun and the seas of golden wheat-grass cast deep shadows across the land.
Critique: A few run on sentences but over all very good and very descriptive. It really captures me when I read it. Easily a 95%
Toucanfeather:
The gnarled branches of trees convoluted their wavering arms to beget an arc, adorned with several crevices and chasms. Pilasters of light seeped through each breach, irradiating the focused facade of a feline- Toucanfeather. The hyms of woodland creatures, mingled in a crescendo of tunes, slipped into her lynx-resembled ears, soothing her tense demeanor. With a blink of her pale canary eyes, the sounds allayed. Now, all was quiet- in her mind. She was alone, in her revere of serenity. But, all to soon, she was hindered by the rustle of paws; tiny paws, and the cogent scent of woodland mouse. Bingo! A rivulet of drool seemingly dribbled from the side of her pursed lips. Her body-weight fluctuated to her haunches, which flourished hungrily.
The temporary deputy's tongue revolved around her lips. Although the animal was nor in sight, or particularly close earshot, she could smell it. It was about a few fox lengths away, foraging for food near the base of an elm tree. Her paws began to drift her forwards. Toucanfeather lifted her tail from the ground, a few moments after realizing it had been lingering behind her, so it was kinked just diagonal from her haunches. And, within a few quiet pawsteps, the morcel was in sight. Her prediction had been right, for it was indeed looking for nuts.
The black she-cat grinned defiantly and bunched up her sinewy muscles. Boing! She glissaded through the afternoon air, and with a sickening crunch, her paws slammed on the mouse. She ducked her head and picked it up in her jaws, its musty brown fur brushing the vegetation. A thanks to StarClan was in order. Toucanfeather sauntered gallantly to a small patch of lush green grass and bowed her head, closing her eyes. Dear StarClan, bless this food you've given us to the nourishemtns of our body. She finished her prayer, thus sliding back to her erect posture. With a triumphant grin, she descended back off to camp, nothing left behind but the chirping of a cricket, and the trail of dust given off from her paws pulsating the ground of ThunderClan territory.
Critique: Quiet a few spelling errors, but nice use of vocabulary. Especially crescendo, gotta love music! I'd try using starting my paragraphs with different words other than the. Very well done. 94%
Featherstep:
The light cream RiverClan she-cat crept to the edge of the river. She watched the stream gently ripple as she moved her shadow away from where she was perched. Unblinking hazel eyes watched the shadows underneath the river's surface. She raised her paw delicately. Waiting for the right moment, she flashed her paw into the water, splashing water droplets over her pelt. The second after she threw her paw in, she drew her unsheathed paw out. A silver fish dangled on the end. It flailed around, trying to escape her claw's hook. Featherstep through it to the ground, stunning it for just a moment. She turned and bent down quickly. The 11 moon old Turkish Van latched her teeth around the flailing fish and dug in deep to it. It slowly stopped moving. She smiled as she saw it was dead, then looked up at the sky. She silently thanked StarClan for its life and picked it up in her jaws. The petite RiverClan warrior dug a tiny hole and buried the fish for later.
Critique: Simple and quick, very good and perfect for everyday roleplaying. Good notice of the breed, and good RiverClan behavior. 85%
Jetstream:
The lengthy gray tabby tom let his paws slide himself forwards, and into the WindClan territory. His ribcage ached from where his mentor Goldenflame, had hit it during battle training. But he was detirmined not to let the bruises drag him down. Besides, he was detirmined to use the move his mentor had taught him today to hunt. The tom grinned slyly, the upturned corners of his mouth pointing themselves into dints as he pulled his forlegs halfway under the curve of his chest. His electric blue eyes where like stainless steel, though they had a swirl to them that made them swish like the water against an unchurned riverbank. Riotpaw's translucent whiskers twitched through the fogged air in an almost furious frenzy, his nose wrinkled in response. Was there any good prey hiding beneath the fronds? Or where the rabbits all in their burrows? He decided not to think about what if, and concentrate on what was now.
The apprentice saw the burrow lessin against it's hold as the narrowed ends of a rabbit's soft ears came way from it's hiding place. The gray tabby kept his paws light against the soft ground, remembering what Goldenflame had taught him. Rabbits where hard to trick, keep you'r paws light on the ground. Doing so, Riotpaw distributed his weight evenly on all fours. He chewed nurvously on his bottom lip. This would probably be his first catch. Kinda stupid to be an apprentice before having a first catch... He told himself, a scowl pressing his lips. As the rabbit poked its nose out of the hole, followed by a head, the offspring of Demise crouched patiently, tail kept thin against the earth as he waited. After what seemed like moons of waiting, the charcoal colored source of meat, had finally risen from it's hiding spot, and wandered a few paces off. Keeping himself low, the tom quickly, yet stealtily staggered after it. His tail wavered in the air, and his ears pinned against his hard head. The rabbit had paused, and he did as well. Had the hare spotted him? Then, after a ever lasting pause, he had to stifle a sigh of releif when the rabbit continued on. Riotpaw grinned to himself, and stalked after it, his paws light as feathers.
After this technique lasted so long, he felt his limbs weighing down by exhaustion. He then used the powerful muscles in his hindlegs to kick him out, while his forepaws extended their claws. The rabbit became suddenly aware of the apprentice, but it was too late. Riotpaw's claws punctered withen the rabbit's spine, and he began to drag it down to the ground. The animal cryed out in pain, but the torture was not over. The gray tomcat tore his claws along the length of it's spine, up the back of it's shoulders, and into it's throat. Using one paw to hold the hare down, his claws ripped across it's jugular, insuring a painful, and bloody death.
Critique: Oooh, gory death! Spelling needs a bit of work, I enjoyed how he thought of his previous training, being an apprentice. Well written, pretty good. 88%
Raspberrynose:
It was finally her turn. With a cocky grin that spread slowly across her clean white muzzle, she stepped forward, tail twitching confidently from side to side in a slow sweeping motion. From her appearance it seemed that she was confident for the win, and honor that came with it, and that she was better than anybody else participating in this hunting competition, for, after all, hunting was her strong point, not that many cats here knew that, except maybe Featherstep. She had taught the she-cat almost everything that she knew, but like all teachers, this she-cat had kept a few tricks to herself. However on the inside, nervousness began to shimmer, threatening to boil over like a fresh wound right before the blood begins to pour. She kept her paw steps steady and slow as she padded to the river’s edge, it seemed to dance, twisting and twirling down its own familiar path, it seemed to always stay the same but fresh, new water was constantly pouring down and through it. Peering into its watery depths, so familiar to her that she could almost feel the flicker of exhilaration as she fished out her meal, she let her keen pale sage green gaze scan the area within her reach and a bit beyond, just incase any fish made its foolish way down the path to its grave. Inside some lucky cat’s belly. The setting sun reflected off the water shimmering brilliantly but also messing up her vision, Foxdung, she’d have to do this the lazy way, and she so wanted to show off her fishing skills!
a quiet sigh she moved quickly below a tree so the bright reflections didn’t blind her. Her always clean white coat was consumed by shadow, less fish swam in places like this, where the sun never quite reached, but it was enough to, hopefully, prove her own self to the other watching cats, cats from other clans! She needed to prove, that even in these dark times of the forest, that herself, as well as any RiverClan warrior, was strong. Settling into the classic position, sitting leaning slightly forward over the water so that she could see more clearly into the depths, more-so than she would usually because her own shadow was swallowed up by the tree’s, she stretched out a paw and unsheathed her claws. Her gaze never left the water’s surface, and she tried heard not to blink. Just that split second of distraction, could mess up her chances to catch the right kind of fish. Ahh…There was a perfect one! It swam slowly, unaware of its own impending doom. She waited, not moving a whisker, even as a dragonfly landed on her ear, tickling as it landed on a small v-shaped scar, an older wound that tingled whenever it was touched. The fish finally made its way into her range, smiling again the she-cat, who was Raspberrynose, of RiverClan, after all who else would be hunting fish?
With a small splash that made little noise, Raspberrynose had perfected this move as to not scare away the fish last second, and she hooked her claws into the scaly side and flung the fish on the ground beside her, with a small crack the fish’s spine snapped, killing it instantly. It was a good sized fish, about five paw lengths from tail fin to the other side. Certainly nothing remarkable compared to some other catches, but enough to impress any cat who despised water. She proudly picked up her catch and padded back to the other’s, eyes shining with triumph
Critique: I liked the personality in it, just always capitalize the first letter in a sentence! -spazz- It was only on one sentence, but watch for it. Especially for someone using word. I know how to tell. 87%
Shizophenric:
Schizophrenic trotted lightly into the clearing, a black hat with electric blue and green stars littering it like a sky at night was in her jaws. Throwing the hat into the air, it landed perfectly on her head and fell over her right eye, covering the overly dilated eye. Taking a seat next to Lynxfang, she watched the WindClan cat with amusement and surprise. The golden furred she was such a brilliant hunter! It was almost like she had literally flown and tackled the rabbit! The loner watched Toucanfeather and the others go, yawning quietly. Goldenflame had kept her attention the best. Now it was her turn. This would be...fun. Gliding off towards the forest, the apprentice aged she-cat lifted her head and scented the air carefully. Rabbit, vole, starling, and mouse touched her scent glands and she immediately stalked quietly and carefully towards the mouse. Her electric green gaze flickered to the area ahead of her and the ground beneath her, careful to move around or step over any branches, sticks, leaves, or anything that would give her away as she slipped into the hunter's crouch. The wind whistled quietly, rustling the leaves on bushes and trees, picking up the leaves from the ground and swirling them in the air before dropping them down to the ground once again. Before she got five fox-lengths away from the mouse, she checked the air, going around the mouse to where she was down-wind. Once she was hidden behind some grass, she stared anxiously at the mouse as it nibbled on a seed, narrowing her eyes. Unsheathing her claws, she worked them quietly into the soft earth, waiting for the perfect moment to spring. Then, suddenly, as if she had been suddenly frightened, she sprang forwards, grinning when the mouse squeaked and darted off. The calico was almost faster than the mouse because as she gave chase, she soon leaped over the mouse and waited for it to dart under her open paws where she pinned it with her claws and gave it a quick bite to the neck. Scratching earth over her prey, she tasted the air again, purring quietly at the sweet-scents of the forest. A frown crept onto her muzzle as squirrel crept into her scent-glands. It was close, very, very close. Why let prey go to waste when it was within hunting distance? Shrugging, she slid into a hunting crouch, gliding lithely over the newly growing grass. Now that she was in a more grassy area, she wasn't all that concerned with stepping on leaves, and she really didn't have to be because earlier's wind had blown most of them away. Once she had found the squirrel, she leaped at it, skidding and rolling in the grass as it dodged her and leaped up a tree. Schizophrenic hissed quietly beneath her breath with anger and then she scrambled to her paws. That squirrel was not getting away! It couldn't! And it surely wouldn't! Not when she was hunting it! Growling lowly, the four colored she crouched by the tree {Stupid rhyming XD} and dug her claws into the bottom. She pulled forwards once, one.... Again. Two... And then a third time. Three! Bunching her powerful muscles, the she-cat did a sling-shot-like motion and glided up the tree as if it were the ground, her claws digging into the bark as she went after the squirrel. The tree had easy-to-grip bark, so she could tell it was an oak tree. That and it smelled like one. Snapping her fangs down into the squirrel's tail, she allowed herself to slide back down the tree trunk and land lightly on the ground, sinking her claws into the squirrel's neck and killing it. Grabbing it's tail, she sprinted back to where she had buried her mouse and unburied it, carefully grabbing it and the squirrel by the tail before bounding quickly back to the clearing.
Critique: Ah, I like writing like this. Not too many big words but great grammar and it gets the job done. Lengthy as well, and the commentary on the other cats. 90%
3rd Place: Shizophrenic
2nd Place: Toucanfeather
1ST PLACE: GOLDENFLAME
